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Mens Rules

Discussion in 'OGF Comedy Corner' started by pacosraiders, Apr 16, 2004.

  1. We always hear "the rules"
    from the female side.
    Now here are the rules*from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
    don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
    and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
    we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible,
    please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
    we will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
    is fine..Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
    prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
    *
    but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
     
  2. If i woulda married a woman who knew those rules I wouldnt be twice divorced
     

  3. that is funny but i really like number 1!!
     
  4. That is great, they should put that list in cosmo so maybe women will get the point! PS You need a new pic, Rusty is no more. Hate to see Kurt Busch in that car............... :mad:
     
  5. im with wave the simple fact that they are all number one tops it off
    your going to get me in trouble, im going to see my gf tonight and i have to print this off and show her.

    Just because i go fishing with my freinds doesnt mean i like them better, i love to fish- they love to fish- you dont fish, it just makes sense.

    Do you even know your sister's boyfriend's aunt's friend's name? But im sure they must be right.

    How are you going to buy somthing from a yard sale and then put it in a yard sale.

    If your going to make shopping an entire weekend event how could you ever need to return somthing. Spend 3 hours in one store, buy on pair of jeans that you tried on 5 times, and then take them back the next day because they didnt fit right????

    If you feel you need to say "i love u" or "I miss you" just for something to say when you dont have anything else to talk about, does it really matter if we say it back.

    Not as good as the others but these are some that i run into.
     
  6. 1. Recognize your affliction with dynamic overshoot. Leave the darned thermostat on 70 degrees! If you're feeling cold - put a sweater on, and maybe some shoes or slippers, too. If you're feeling hot, take something off until you feel just right.
     
  7. FLT_TUBE_JNKY

    FLT_TUBE_JNKY Uber Tuber

    293
    0
    821
    here are some more:

    1:
    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


    2:
    It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.

    (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".


    3:
    Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten
    by his buddies.


    4:
    Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail
    within 12 hours.


    5:
    If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever
    unless you actually marry her.


    6:
    Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However
    complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


    7:
    No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
    fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
    point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


    8:
    On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


    9:
    When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score
    of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


    10:
    It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a
    tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's
    free.


    11:
    Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
    another guy in the nuts.


    12:
    Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


    13:
    Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


    14:
    If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


    15:
    Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
    as the other sports watchers.


    16:
    Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not
    both, that's just greedy.


    17:
    If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
    choice of beer.


    19:
    Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

    a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

    b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

    c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


    20:
    Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both
    urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
    imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


    21:
    Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or
    sky blue.


    22:
    The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
    Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
    an Xbox. End of story