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how to stimulate life in the navy........

Discussion in 'OGF Comedy Corner' started by Gju42486, Jan 20, 2008.

  1. Gju42486

    Gju42486 Banned

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    1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

    2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

    3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement deck gray.

    4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you are hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

    5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

    6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

    7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

    8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

    9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

    10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".

    11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3 pm.

    12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home......you can't leave until the next day. You have duty.

    13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

    14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator, blender technician, etc.).

    15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

    16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly lighted off.

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. ("Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans over the fantail")

    18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

    19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

    20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

    21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

    22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

    23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

    24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

    25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

    26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it world travel.

    27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

    28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

    29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

    30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

    31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

    32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

    33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

    34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

    35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for weekend liberty. When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

    36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

    37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"

    38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

    39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

    40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

    42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

    43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

    44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

    45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

    46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

    47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

    48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

    49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

    50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

    51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

    52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side".....Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen stowed for sea.

    53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular, "Stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

    54. Tie both ends of a string to a brick and hang it from your neck. Don headphones & cup from #53. Stand on your front porch from 0000-0400 and report bearing, range and estimated CPA of all traffic. Update contact reports as necessary.

    55. Crush every 3rd shirt button when doing laundry. Clean laundry for the entire family is to be delivered in a single pile on the hall floor. There should not be an even number of socks.

    Because no one outside of the navy speaks our particular brand of English, try explaining how you swabbed the deck on the forecastle (but only the slick-deck), while field-daying. And how the head was OOC so you had to get water for the cadillac from the scuttlebutt, but seaman Jones was sky-larking so you had to put him on report...I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: it's enough to make you say FTN!
     
  2. Seaturd

    Seaturd Catcher of Fish

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    That is frickin' hysterical and I wasn't even in the Navy!
     

  3. Whaler

    Whaler Whaler

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    Gju42486, being an ex Navy man I found this to be hilarious ! Onboard ship we would have a guy who was a laundryman one month, ran the Geedunk the next month and then be the barber the next month. After getting a haircut from this guy your hair looked like the top view of a corn maze ! You could feel his hand wiggling all over as he ran the cluippers over your head.
     
  4. ezbite

    ezbite the Susan Lucci of OGF

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    FTN whats that mean?:p

    y thats pretty funny comming from someone who rides around in an "orange loveboat":eek:

    by really, who ever came up with that one, has had PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD!!
     
  5. I just loved the GQ's in the middle of the night and racking my shins on the knee knockers on the way to my shop. Or waking up in your bunk after being home for awhile and smacking your forehead on your buddies bunk
     
  6. Gju42486....One of the funniest posts I've seen yet. Brings back some great memories! Especially liked #48.
     
  7. snake69

    snake69 Equal opportunity fishing

    Makes me want to run out and join right away!!
     
  8. Toxic

    Toxic Defensor Fortis

    I'm glad I joined the USAF. All we had to worry about was which 5 star hotel we were going to stay in LOL (not really) :D
     
  9. hey i did my four years and it did suck on those ships,, i was on air craft carriers 4,000 heads... but he is right about the airforce,, lol... there uniforms came with golf clubs, lol jk,,, there all great!!!!!!
     
  10. Toxic

    Toxic Defensor Fortis

    We wanted our pilots to be well rested before they blew the hell out some poor unlucky SOB. :eek:

    Honestly, my Father spent a huge part of his life in the Navy during WWII and Korea. I can respect anyone who could spend that much time on a ship. From reading the post, I would have gone crazy after 6 months at sea.
     
  11. I know this is an old thread but I thought it was funny as hell. I was on a ship during my first deployment in the marine corps. Being a marine meant getting worse living quarters then the navy did. Ever hear of a ship called the USS Shreveport? maybe some of you retired guys have..it was built in '62 but yet I got stuck on it in 2007. It was so old they literally decomissioned it and sank it a few months after we got back to the states. Lucky us huh?
     
  12. HAHA, I've seen this before but it's still funny every time it comes across my screen. Lots of truth to that in my 12 years in the canoe club. No reference to adding "bulls eye's" though and refer to your second floor bedroom as 01-180-2-L lol
     
  13. Buddy I thought the army was bad, but after reading this I can't hardly beleive you could put up with that stuff. At least we went off base most nights to play with our girlfriends.
     
  14. You would be amazed what actually happens underway.... people get away with a lot.
     
  15. I guess I was lucky to be in the Army but I did have the great pleasure of crossing the Atlantic twice on a ship and a one way trip across the Pacific. If I had a firearm I honestly believe I would have ended it all. I have never experienced anything like that in my life! The first trip was in January, 1963, The worst winter Germany had in 70 years. It took us 13 days to get to Bremerhaven and I was sick all the time. We finally got off the ship and I was so used to the motion from the ship that I was now sick all over again from not rocking and rolling. I have to hand it to all you Navy guys, you surely spent your time in Hell!
     
  16. This is still funny. I was AF too. This is the reason why. My Grandpa serve Navy during WWII Some of the stories. My son went Navy. He was told 100 guy leave on a tour and 50 couples come back:p. He looking to cross over to The "golf club" side when this hitch is up Dads not so dumb now.