Five Levels of Hangovers

Discussion in 'OGF Comedy Corner' started by stcroixjoe, Jul 30, 2008.

  1. stcroixjoe

    stcroixjoe (stcroixjoe)

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    Five Levels of Hangovers

    One Star Hangover (*)

    No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
    relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
    cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
    steak & fries.

    Two Star Hangover (**)

    No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
    you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
    chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
    tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
    excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
    bowels.

    Three Star Hangover (***)

    Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
    productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
    reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
    dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
    gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
    once.

    Four Star Hangover (****)

    Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
    else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
    late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
    clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
    of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
    while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
    and even your hair hurts. Your buttis in perpetual spasm, and
    the first of about five poops you take during the day brings water
    to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

    Five Star Hangover (*****)

    You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
     
  2. cantsleep

    cantsleep 3rd shift blues

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    The result of years of research?;)
     

  3. zipperneck52

    zipperneck52 fished with Noah

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    No.5 is why I gave up drinkin'.