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Clever Student

Discussion in 'OGF Comedy Corner' started by mrfishohio, Jun 11, 2005.

  1. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    School Comics

    One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
    The prof said, "No and I don't care."
    The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
    The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
    "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
     
  2. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Comic Kids

    At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”
     

  3. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Comic Kids


    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
    She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
     
  4. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Couple Comedy

    The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
    You don't want to try these techniques at home. Why not? asked somebody from the audience. I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?
    Did it save time? the guy in the audience asked. Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.
     
  5. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Heavenly Laughter

    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story? So the first man replies: Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, said Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here. Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. Picture this, says the third man, I'm hiding inside a refrigerator...
     
  6. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
    Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
    PS. Sure is hot down here.
     
  7. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
    The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
    The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
    The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
     
  8. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Grooooan

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
    "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
    "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top tobottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
    The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. Thecat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled outof the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced abill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
    "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill wouldhave been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."
     
  9. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
    After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll". The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
    The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
    The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
    "Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,
    "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
     
  10. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Silly But Funny

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
    "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
     
  11. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Change Of Professions
    Old Dog, New Tricks

    After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."