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Bold Predictions™: Week 2 / Dallas Cowboys

Discussion in 'Sports Talk' started by blance, Sep 19, 2004.


    Because it's all about Keyshawn<!--EZCODE BOLD END-->

    Keyshawn Johnson loves Bill Parcells, And it's a good thing too, because the nine-year wideout pretty much hates everyone else. He despises Jon Gruden, thinks Tampa Bay cornerback Ronde Barber is an "Uncle Tom", and called Warren Sapp a "fat ass". He hated his former Tampa Bay ball club so much that he quit on his teammates in mid-season and spent the balance of 2003 watching games on his Tivo.

    Yep, Keyshawn Johnson is a class act. Just ask Wayne Chrebet. He'll tell you.

    So Browns defensive coordinator Dave Campo hatched a plan. While most analysts urged the Browns to blitz Testaverde in order to stymie the Cowboys' trio of receivers, Campo knows that the way to defeat Dallas is through its weak underbelly. Keyshawn Johnson's tender ego.

    On the first play from scrimmage, the Browns place airtight double-coverage on Keyshawn. Anthony Henry and Ear Little are in his face, chatting him up and chucking him aggressively at the line. The Browns rotate in Leigh Bodden and Chris Crocker, keeping fresh legs on Keyshawn. Through two quarters of play, Keyshawn's stat line reads nothing but zeros.

    It's a tight game. The Cowboys are without two running backs and are dinged up on the offensive line. Still, Testaverde is getting just enough time to complete short passes to Terry Glenn, Antonio Bryant, and tight end Jason Witten. But the Browns bend-don't-break defense is infuriating Keyshawn. Through two quarters, Glenn and Bryant each have five catches for nearly 60 years apiece. Keyshawn is caught on camera shouting at Testaverde and giving receivers coach Todd Haley a piece of his mind.

    And then it happens. With the score 7-0 in favor of the Browns, Testaverde rifles a pass over Orpheus Roye to Keyshawn on a crossing route. Keyshawn sees Chuan Thompson freight training toward him and pulls up. The ball sails right into the waiting hands of Anthony Henry just as Thompson levels Keyshawn. Henry races down the right sideline for a touchdown.

    Testarverde is livid and Parcells has seen enough. The Tuna hauls Keyshawn aside and shouts at him for breaking off the route.

    Did somebody say rout? On the very next play, Browns coach Butch Davis calls a surprise onside kick. The Cowboys, stunned by the sudden turnover and score, are caught flat footed as Kellen Winslow comes down with the ball at the Dallas 45 yard line. On first down, Garcia hands off to running back Lee Suggs, who cuts back on a run off right tackle and finds a seam in the line. And just like that, he is gone.

    In less time than it takes to say "Throw me the damn ball", the Browns have scored two touchdowns and lead a shell-shocked Cowboys team 21-0 less than a minute into the third quarter.

    When the Cowboys offense gets back on the field, the Browns are ready. Last week, Campo stuffed Jamal Lewis and the Ravens with a front-loaded 4-4-3 defense. Now, with Testaverde forced to pass, Campo shows a 3-3-5. Chaun Thompson is at the 30 yard line, lined up like some kind of monstrous strong safety. Courtney Brown is standing up on the left side at linebacker.

    Testaverde snaps the ball and looks for Glenn racing down the left side. Nothing. Daylon McCutcheon and Little are right there. Testaverde looks right and sees Keyshawn posting out in front of Chaun Thompson. The ball and Thompson arrive at Keyshawn at the exact same instant. Thompson hits Keyshawn in the back so hard that the 6-4 wideout is thrown clear out of his shoes. The ball sails 20 yards through the air toward the Dallas goal line, where it is scooped up by Courtney Brown. On the next play, Garcia would toss a 15 yard touchdown pass to Kellen Winslow.

    With the score 28-0, and Keyshawn responsible for two turnovers leading directly to Browns scores, Parcells has seen enough. He sits the troubled wideout in favor of Dedric Ward.

    Keyshawn is so angry that he holds a press conference on the sideline, announcing that he'll retire from football rather than play another snap for that "plantation owner" Parcells. Jerry Jones, panicked, rushes to the scene, fresh from shooting a special edition of Extreme Makeover for ABC. He's sporting a brand new eyebrow lift, a scalp tightening, and about a quart of Botox.

    Keyshawn and the media are having a hard time making out what Jerry is trying to say. There's a lot of crowd noise, Parcells is hollering like a madman, and Jerry Jones can barely move his lips for all the Botox and stretched skin.

    "I'll give you more cash if you stay!" Jerry tries to shout over the din. But what Keyshawn hears is "You'll sit on your ass like a slave!"

    Keyshawn goes berserk. He grabs a first down marker and begins thrashing the Cowboys owner over the head with it. He's wound the chain around Jones' neck twice before coaches finally manage to pull the enraged receiver off of Jones body.

    It takes officials 25 minutes to restore order. Keyshawn is escorted out to a police cruiser and booked for assault. Jones' fresh face work is wrecked. He'll spend 20 hours under the knife trying to undo the damage, and spend the rest of the season wearing a surgical mask.

    As for the Cowboys, the wheels fell off that wagon early in the third quarter.

    Browns: 125
    Cowboys: 0

    And that's the way I see it. GMD
  2. Lewis


    LMAO!...Great post! :D

  3. captnroger

    captnroger OGF Webmaster

    Um, yeah, LMAO, GREAT POST!!! ;)

    How BOUT THEM COWBOYS!?! :( Tried our best to lose it there, thanks Vinnie baby.