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Anyone else ever get a memo like this at work?

Discussion in 'OGF Comedy Corner' started by twistertail, Apr 13, 2004.

  1. DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and thereforeyou do not need a raise.

    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
    that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

    If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
    are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
    all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
    intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
    Saturday & Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS:
    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
    vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25


    ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
    weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:
    In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
    Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go
    From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from
    8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it
    will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
    In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
    Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In
    addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
    the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
    will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
    After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
    bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
    they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
    get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

    **********************
    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
    concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
    and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice week.
     
  2. catking

    catking Banned

    5,617
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    You know there is alot of truth in some of those . CATKING !!!