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a tazer for toni

Discussion in 'OGF Comedy Corner' started by misfit, Aug 24, 2004.

  1. misfit

    misfit MOD SQUAD

    Dear Friends,

    My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, “hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note:
    Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
    would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time…

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
    muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!
    DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
    picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're
    round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back. much as this sounds like something i'd do :rolleyes: ;) the story is NOT one of personal experience ;)
  2. steelmagoo

    steelmagoo Enjigneer

    That is too friggin funny.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2015

  3. DaleM

    DaleM Original OGF Staff Member

    I have to say that is the best laugh I have had in days. It took a half a box of tissues to dry my eyes. Knowing you I can just see every move you described. My wife ask what was wrong seeing tears in my eyes, I was laughing so friggin' hard I couldn't tell her. She read part of it and walked away with tears in her eyes. Man, you really ought to get a better hobby. By the way I'm copying this to show several friends of mine. Thanks for the side hurting, eye watering laugh.
  4. I cant read anymore of your post at work, couldnt answer the phone for 10 minutes! :D :D
  5. TOO Funny,if you ever do something like that again-video tape!!!!!!
  6. ShakeDown

    ShakeDown OGF Staff Staff Member Admin

    anyone mind if I stick this? The world needs to read this :D

    KSUFLASH respect our rivers please

    I just pissed myself!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. DaleM

    DaleM Original OGF Staff Member

    I agree. Just think we have him as one of our members. The rest of the world doesn't know what they are missing. (by the way Rick, I'm still laughing!)
  9. That is one heck of a story...LOL
  10. Marshall

    Marshall Catch Photo And Release

    you should try it again just to make sure it didn't malfunction. That was very funny, glad your ok.
  11. mrfishohio

    mrfishohio Recovering Fishaholic

    Too I was near tears from my post for Doug & then I read this & got tears of laughter !
    Maybe he's right...
  12. misfit

    misfit MOD SQUAD

    though that story could well be about me(knowing my reputation for "misadventures"),it's just a story i received from my son, was so funny,i had to share :D
    i think i probably would have performed the "self test" too :rolleyes:
    but now..........................i think NOT :eek:
    but my wife(bonnie) would really enjoy seeing me demonstrate it :rolleyes:which is why i won't be buying her one ;)
  13. sporty

    sporty OGF Team - Charter Member

    There goes another coffee cleansing of the monitor :D. That's funny stuff Rick.

  14. DaleM

    DaleM Original OGF Staff Member

    I thought after talking with you that really was you! Dam now I'm disapointed. You know that's something you may have well tried.
  15. zipperneck52

    zipperneck52 fished with Noah

    That demo would have made a great half time show at the hogfest.
    mommie:"no kids, that's not daddy, just another guy..." :D
  16. we need a video tape of something like this
  17. That was friggin' hilarious!!!!!!!! Had to almost cover my mouth so I would laugh out loud. I would actually pay a few bucks to see someone do that, guess it's my sick sense of humor that comes out sometimes. :D
  18. Laughed my rear off...BTW Rick, it WAS you the during the time I was reading it...:D you should have seen yourself.

    Thanks for stickin' it Shake
  19. catking

    catking Banned

    This is great stuff. I have to agree with Friggy, I had MISFIT pictured while I was reading this, even though I knew it wasn't him, but this is really something he would do :D This has to be the thread of the year in this section ;) .THE CATKING !!!
  20. WOW, after drinking about 8 MGD's thats gotta be about the funniest thing I've read in nearly a month lol...